I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
