I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
