I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
