Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
