New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
