last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
