Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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