I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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