You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
