Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
