drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
