I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
