My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
