i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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