I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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