i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
