so let's talk penis.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
