He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Everclear isn't food dammit
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
