Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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