Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
