the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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