I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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