Duck Duck Cougar?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
