I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
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