im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i wish my penis had a tongue
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize