I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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