I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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