i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
