I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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