Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
