im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
