I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
