I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
