My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
