You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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