Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
