it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Randomize
