she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize