I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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