that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
