last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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