Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
