Ambien. No doubt about it.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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