I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
