I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
