she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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