I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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