i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
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