Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
