I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
