I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
