he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
