Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
