How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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