Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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