Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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