Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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